If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
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Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
scares
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*