If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
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me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok