If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”