Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!