If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
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#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Happy birthday to all the women
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.