If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
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Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
me linking you to my twitter
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please