If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
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Uh oh…
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Beware of the “party goblin”…
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children