If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
You Might Also Like
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
synchronized noseblowing
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*