If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
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*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
iPhone X
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that