@Stap_Jr
@Love_bug1016 Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
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@Love_bug1016 
@CruisinSoozan You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
@MakesTweetsUp When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
@TheAlexNevil Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
@Kyle_Lippert Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
@zachreinert0 Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
@mxmclain Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
@OfficeofSteve When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
@karanlyons Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
@Anniewritess How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.