If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

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Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.


You want to sext?
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*


When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics


Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.


Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.


Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie


Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line


When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines


Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.


How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.