@Stap_Jr

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

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@hellohappy_time

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

@daemonic3

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

@my_minivan_life

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

@mikeym00n

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

@oopstastik

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

@NurseMurderer

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

@adult_mom

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.