me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist
lady: we have cole slaw
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
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GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.