If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
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Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
When you don’t understand how floors work
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist