If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
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*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
spicy snake
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.