If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
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the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this