If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
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Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
sliding into dms like
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.