If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
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waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
How animals would run if they were human
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)