If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
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Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Customize Your Wedding.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.