If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
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HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
my professor scared me for a second
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”