If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
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infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.