If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point