If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
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Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]