If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
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“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Isn’t