If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
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[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey