If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Not recommended for beginners.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.