If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
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if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Ovenable?
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat