If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
What?!?
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*