If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
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I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
They’re not wrong
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
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me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other