Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

😂 amazing answer

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

every college guy’s fridge

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda