If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide