If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
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The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?