If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
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Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Baking is just science you can eat.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
No way!
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.