If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
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ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.