if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.