If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
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My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”