If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
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WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge