If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
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I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer