If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
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[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
These are too funny not to post 😂
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Finished stitching this today 😇
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician