If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
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*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together