@ArfMeasures DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
@aggierican If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
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@ArfMeasures 
@simoncholland If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
@Book_Krazy Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
@rachelle_mandik i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
@suntzufuntzu “What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
@badbanana Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
@thedad [wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
@comer310 Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
@PMTheron1 There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
@TheToddWilliams GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills