If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
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These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
*sewing*
A thread
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.