If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
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40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”