If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
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I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.