If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
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My circle of trust is a meatball
The 4 stages of a family vacation
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Camping tip: No.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.