If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
You Might Also Like
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
that de-escalated quickly
