@amandajpanda

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

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@jctwritesstuff

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

@sammontgomery

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

@PaigeKellerman

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

@TheAlexNevil

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

@wolfpupy

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

@lenadunham

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

@Severnjaca

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.