If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
You Might Also Like
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Anyone want a chair?