If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

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*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*


Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.


Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!


90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.


*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”


if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo


Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?


Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.