If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
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I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans