If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
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What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*