If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one