If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
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friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Best spoiler warning ever
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect