If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
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Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
U talkin 2 me?
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up