If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.