If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
You Might Also Like
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
My first son he is wonderful
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.