If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
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Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.