If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
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And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”